Step One: I am powerless

underwater-2303342_640

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

“You know they are going to be drinking there, are you sure you’re not going to want a glass of wine?”

We are on our way to my fiancés’ cabin to meet his family. They enjoy having a glass of wine in the evenings; nothing crazy, just social unwinding at the end of the day.

“YES. I’m not going to drink! I’ve got this.”

I have been in AA for about three weeks now. I have yet to admit I am completely powerless. I mean, if I am truly the feminist I thought myself to be, I am POWERFUL not powerless. But still, AA has inspired me, I know there is something off with my drinking that usually ends in me pulling a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde, and I know it’s difficult damn near impossible for me to control. But I REFUSE to label myself as powerless.

We walk up to the cabin and his sister and his mom walk out. Right on queue, my cheeks begin to shake when I smile and the nervousness sets in.

Social anxiety is the WORST.

I try and lock it up as best I can, but then the question is presented, “Bree, would you like a glass of wine after that long drive?”

“YES PLEASE!”

The answer came out as instinctually as a breath of air and I avoid making eye contact with my fiancé until my glass of wine is in hand and I take the first sip. I look at him and shrug. The night ends with me sitting by myself at our hotel bar having just one more drink.

My next AA meeting, I stare at the ground when it is my turn to talk. I say I have relapsed. I hear a sympathetic moan come from a woman not too far away from me and I pass for the next person to talk. As I walk out, I’m approached by an AA veteran. She grabbed my arm, looked me in the eyes, and with a stern voice said, “Get yourself a sponsor NOW.”

I emailed someone that night.